Thursday, February 25, 2010

Once More Into the Breach...

The Percolator Takes Another Stab at Interviewing J. Daniel Holliday, Illustrious--and Sometimes Persnickety--Film Critic

Editor: Well, Mr. Daniel, it is certainly game of you to give this film review business another chance.

J. Daniel: You're right. It is.

Ed.: OK, then. I can tell already that this is not going to be a warm, fuzzy interaction, but we do press on. I'm told you very recently screened the vintage cinematic gem, "Hans Brinker" or "The Silver Skates" at a classmate's home. What kind of experience was that?

J. Daniel: Well, they have a very cool home theater with movie seats and a gigantic screen TV, and sometimes they even have popcorn. So that part was really OK.

Ed.: Well, that's a good start. What did you think of "Hans Brinker", or "The Silver Skates"?

John: Well actually, Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates are the same movie. Just to let you know. And I thought it was OK, but it wouldn't be something I would prefer.

Ed.: I believe there are at least two versions of this movie, and that you saw the live-action Disney version. How would you describe the overall quality of the film?

John: I think Hans could have been better at acting...he kind of said things a bit robotic-like..."Do you need help, Mother?" He wasn't casual. I think he could have done better. 'Cuz you want people to act good, not like you just want this to get over with.

Ed.: I see. Well, to each his own. I noticed in the credits that Hans was played by an actual Dutch actor, Rony Zeander, so there must have been some verisimilitude there...

J. Daniel: Huh? Well, all I know is that they wore ridiculously baggy pants. I mean, clown-like. No camouflage at all.

Ed.: What did you think of the other actors?

J. Daniel: Well, there was his father; he was a likeable person in the beginning but then he fell over when they were trying to repair a dike during the storm and he injured his head and then he was, like, had amnesia and didn't recognize his family and stuff. And then there was an even weirder part where he got up out of his house and went on a rampage and saw this mischievous other guy that was going to skate against Hans and they were trying to get away from them and then he was running away from the bad guy who threw the skate at Hans' father....and then Hans found him...then the authorities appeared.

Ed.: Whew! That sounds like some serious action there. Was it exciting?

J. Daniel: Only if you're into lightweight action. Which I'm not.

Ed.: Did you think it was an interesting story?

John: Yeah, I guess.

Ed.: Was there much of that gross crying and hugging and stuff like in "Heidi"?

John: Well, it was better than "Heidi", so it wasn't as much mushy stuff, but they were losing hope and they kept hugging and stuff like that...

Ed.: So, you could have done without that part?

John: Absolutely.

Ed.: Did the skating race remind you of the speed skating that we're seeing in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics right now?

John: No, but it reminded me of rollerblading, where you have to throw your arms and get momentum and stuff.

Ed.: Hmmm, sounds quite a bit like speed skating to me, but suit yourself, Mr. Daniel. So, overall, would you recommend this movie?

John: Yeah, I mean it was good, but it wasn't that good. It wouldn't be something I would watch again.

Ed.: Well, just for curiousity's sake, what movie WOULD you recommend?

John: "Saving Private Ryan", to those who could take blood and stuff, NOT like YOU.

Ed.: Yes, well, as I think I mentioned during a previous time we met, this is ME interviewing YOU, and not the reverse. But, in any event, did this film give you a good idea about what Dutch life was like?

J. Daniel: Mmmm-hmmm.

Ed.: Would you have liked living back then?

J. Daniel: *head shaking* There was no technology, no comfortable chairs or anything. Sheesh.

Ed.: Well, I suppose that is an honest perspective from a young citizen of the 21st century. By the way, as long as I have you here, how did the "St. Crispin's Day" speech go in class the other day?

J. Daniel: Who spilled the beans about that?

Ed.: Oh, you know, word gets around....

J. Daniel: Well. You ought to know how I did, since you were there.

Ed.: Pardon me, but I, the Percolator Editor, was NOT there. There may have been someone who looked quite a bit like me, but that would have been an alter-ego of mine who was unceremoniously asked to substitute-teach your class at the last minute...

J. Daniel: Yeah, I'd say that was a pretty good job of acting...

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