Monday, November 30, 2009

"Check the Lower Left Drawer"

Vital words to live by….enlightenment ensues….

OK, all you readers of the feminine persuasion….I was never a Girl Scout, but I am counting today’s post as my bona fide Good Deed, so tuck this away in your mental file drawer (“drawer-pun” INTENDED), because this could be Very Handy Info; if not literally Life Saving, than certainly Dignity Saving…

Read and profit from my chilling adventure this afternoon….

There I was, minding my own business, trying to keep to the agreed-upon program for 21st Century American Females of a Certain Age. Having arrived—on time, even!—for my annual funfest at the gynecologist’s office, I allowed myself to be led to the weight scale. Once more, it seems that the medical office scales weigh 3 lbs., heavier than my bathroom scale. This is to be expected anymore. Nor was I deterred when the (I’ll just say it) Less-Physically-Fit-Than-Moi nurse pronounced my stature to be .5 inch less than at this same time last year. Easy come, easy go!!!! This will not furrow my youthful brow!

However, even the most even disposition has its limits, and mine were discovered in short order…

The first tip-off that the nurse doing my assessment was, shall we say, preoccupied, came when she asked questions that I had just answered…about four times during a five-minute conversation. I could give snippets of amusing, if slightly naughty, details, but I do try to qualify for a family-friendly rating here, so will refrain…
As a generally trusting sort…I tend to take a person’s word at face-value unless I have very good, dare I say—memorable—reason not to…so, when she zipped out the door with her handy-dandy laptop and called over her retreating shoulder that she had gotten me a gown and sheet to “wear” for my exam, I simply took her at her word.

And here, gentle reader, is the Moral of the Story:

Do not even CONSIDER disrobing in the privacy of any medical office, anywhere, without first ascertaining that The Gown (at least) has actually been procured for you. One can give or take The Sheet, in a pinch, but….one finds oneself in a cold, cruel….did I mention, cold?, upon discovering that the neat pile of clothes you have just divested yourself of—yes, the ones that are still warm from your own body!!-- constitutes the only apparent covering for your nakedness….

Peering at my now-blue toenails, I scanned the room quickly for the familiar sanitized haute couture…uh, nada….By now, my birthday suit, which is not quite as form-fitting as it was a decade and a few pregnancies ago, was beginning to contract, but in an unbecoming way… Was there even a “pull here for assistance” bell-rope, akin to what you find in a hospital room…well, no.

By now, any humor inherent to this situation had evaporated long ago…This was chilly, undignified, mortifying, and completely unnecessary. Also, rife with suspense…just how quickly could I attempt to dive back into my pullover once the anticipated “knock-knock” sounded on the other side of the door?

My ‘assessing nurse’ had just earned herself an unsatisfactory assessment for my patient care in my book. Repeating my crazed visual scan of the room, I looked for drawers…drawers that might contain drawers….bloomers…pantaloons….even paper towels!!!

With my body temperature plunging and my emotional temperature skyrocketing, I at last spied a metal drawer pull. Sheets, plain, thin, but apparently clean exam room sheets gleamed up at me…Ah, next one down…lower left drawer…in the nick of time, I yanked it open to discover a neat stack of one-size-fits all, woven cotton-not tissue paper ….exam gowns….

LESSON LEARNED: Refuse to grant exam room egress to any one who does not first deliver what she promised….

Ben Snippet
Ben: [nosing around my piles of paper and books at the Family Computer Desk] Hmmmm…can I use some of this colored card stock?

Mom: For what?

Ben: Oh, just a project I have to do…

Mom: I-I’m sorry Ben, but I can’t hear anything….I’m still waiting for the Large Glass of Chocolate Milk you promised to make me an hour ago when I brought you home…[extending the still empty tumbler]…

Ben: [shaking head in indignant consternation]….I’m sure glad GOD isn’t like this!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Life on the Daily Commute

Sure, it can most often be a mindless, "auto-pilot" part of anyone's day: turn on the ignition, punch in the CD, put it in gear, and your vehicle practically takes itself on the seemingly ceaseless rounds of drop-offs, deliveries, and pick-ups.

But, every now and then, it pays to turn down the music and tune into the back-seat wit:

Miss Cee: "Mommy, guess what happened in school today?!"

Moi: "Oh, at my advanced age, I don't think I have any original guesses left..."

Miss Cee: "Well, you can't guess anyway!"

Moi: "Probably true..."

Miss Cee: "Well, we learned about the Al - a - elm--no, that's not it."

John: "Elmo?"

Miss Cee: "NO, John-Jo!! It's in Texas!! You're not listening! Mom, Johnny's not listening, but he's guessing anway!"

John: "I'm not-not allowed to I? I can guess, right Mom?!"

Moi: *sigh*

Miss Cee: "Mommy- we're holding up the line of cars--we're making them all wait."

Moi: "Why do you think that? Do you see any cars out of our back window?"

Miss Cee: "Well, no, but..."

Moi: "If there aren't any cars back there, we cant' be holding anyone up now, can we?"

John: "Ha-ha! Cecily, YOU don't even know what you're talking about!!"

Miss Cee: "WELL, John-Jo, YOU don't even know it's NOT Elmo, it's the Ala-ali-"

Moi: "The Alamo?"

Miss Cee: "Bingo, Mommy!"

John: "Oh, well, everyone knows THAT....sheeeesh...."

Miss Cee: "ANYway, we also got CARDS today!"

Moi: "What kind of cards?"

Miss Cee: "Well they would have been really cool cards except Mrs. G. forget them at home."

John: "OK, if there's no story, why are we talking about this?"

Miss Cee: "ANYway, we had red, yellow and green cards; I mean, we will have them."

Moi: "Hmmm, sounds like a traffic light...."

Miss Cee: "Yes! And you get a green card if you don't do any uh-oh's or yellow for a warning."

John: "What does RED mean?"

Miss Cee: *scowl* "Red? Oh that means at the end of the day you get an Uh-Oh Gram. But I don't get those."

Moi: "Really? How refreshing!"

John: *eyeballs orbiting wildly*

Moi: "So, you would not have gotten a red card today, is that right?"

Miss Cee: "Yes, I did not get a red card."

Moi: "Because..."

Miss Cee: "Mommy, are you listening? Because Mrs. G. forgot to bring them."

Moi: "Right. But if she HAD brought them, would you have gotten a red card?"

Miss Cee: *displaying a poor imitation of patience* "No, Mom--see--she--FORGOT--them--at--home---today."

Moi: [private musing- 'I'm just SURE there's a market for a coffee bar drive-thru that offers the option of distilled spirits...']

STOP NUMBER 2: Ben and Alina are now 'en vehicle'...

Alina: [matter-of-factly] "Mom, Cecily's shaking her bottom at us again."

Moi: "WHAT?!?!?!"

Miss Cee: "I did NOT!"

Alina & John: "Yes, you DID!!"

Miss Cee: "NO! I shooked it facing the other way!!"

Moi: "W-H-A-T-?!!!??!?!?!"

Alina: "She calls it her Boppin' Mode."

************ It's at times like these when that Auto-Pilot/Brain-Drain capacity comes in quite handy.**************