Sports Segment

This just in....

Bad Ben is here with the sports report, having just returned from viewing his first-ever indoor soccer game...

Percolator Editor: Ben, thanks for checking in with us here at the old Perk...

Ben: Not a problem.

Ed.: How was the game?

Ben: It was a lot of fun and it was a great, new experience because I've never been to an indoor soccer game before, but I had a lot of fun with Dad and John...

Ed.: John? John, as in John Daniel, whose alter-ego has appeared here previously in the guise of Mr. J. Daniel, Illustrious Film Critic?

Ben: Um, that story has been circulating a bit, but I think he wants that kept on the Down-Low...for obvious reasons, if you know what I mean....

Ed.: *Clouseau accent* But of course...What kind of fun?

Ben: It's always fun to go to the MetroCentre, you know, for anything. It was really exciting, really energized, it was a really good game.

Ed.: Who played?

Ben: Rockford Rampage and the Milwaukee, Milwaukee....oh, I forget...

Ed.: Was it the Milwaukee Beer Suds?

Ben: NO! I can't believe you said that!! Don't you think that's just a little insensitive and intolerant? That's how stereotypes are perpetuated!!! No, it was the Giants, or the Titans, or something...not the Beer Suds, Mom. I think their fans were more well-behaved than ours. ...

Ed.: Which is probably not saying much...

Ben: I think you may need an Insensitivity Management Class or something...

Ed.: So, what's it like to watch a soccer game with John Daniel?

Ben: It was weird; he's like, during the game he was rooting for the other team, just to be silly, then he was like laughing at the cheerleaders, then he started commentating the whole game...like "Oh, he's passing the center..."

Ed.: Gee, I didn't even know he understood the rules of soccer...

Ben: He doesn't...that's what made it so...creative--yeah, that's the word I was reaching for...

Ed.: Do you think it would have helped if there were explosions and gunfire...?

Ben: Well, probably, because, you know, John does "really kind of live for that sort of stuff"--

Ed.: --so I've heard...

Ben: Yeah, but he was telling me it was too loud!

Ed.: What was too loud?

Ben: The Soccer Game--if you're going to inteview me, at least try to keep up...

Ed.: Sheeesh....sorry...

Ben: Anyway, I'm just saying that I don't really understand how John thinks he'll be a military hero or football player if he can't take loud noises...

Ed.: Hmmmm, you have a point....perhaps it's a bit of cognitive dissonance there...well, anyway, what was the most exciting part of the game?

Ben: I'd say it was when we tied with them in the middle of the game, we were like two points ahead, and then, yeah, we got crushed.

Ed.: Ooooh. Exciting...

Ben: Well, in a tragic kind of way...sort of...well, anyway, there were some interesting fans. There was this one group of fans, they were like, Brazilian or South American or something and they were there with this one guy..it was like a big family and there was this guy they called Capatin Chaos and they would march around in the stands...and an official told him to be quiet, and he told him to----

Ed.:---OK, OK, this is a Family Interview Channel, Benito...

Ben: Oh, yeah...sorry...heh-heh...

Ed.: Anything else interesting or memorable about your first indoor soccer game experience as a spectator?

Ben: Well, they played "Bob O'Reilly" by The Who on the overhead sound system...that seemed kind of interesting...

Ed.: ...in a culturally archaeological kind of way...

Ben: Exactly! Oh! And, also there were cheerleaders there...

Ed.: Nice. I bet THEY a bit of attention...

Ben: You could say that, but I don't think I should really say anymore, this being a Family Interview Channel and all...I'm just sayin', the outfits they were wearing were not what you would think of as family-friendly.

Ed.: OK, ANYway, did the Rampage win?

Ben: Um, no. I kind of gave you a tip off earlier when I said we got crushed...review your notes. But I would go to a game again; it was still a fairly unforgettable experience.

Ed.: Touche.